From someone who’s been on all sides of this confusion
Last week, I was having coffee with a CEO who’s frustrated because a recruiter hasn’t returned his calls. “I don’t get it,” he says. “I’m a great candidate. Why aren’t they courting me or shopping me around to their clients? I nearly spit out my latte.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been that recruiter. I’ve worked in retained search for most of my career, spent nine years in-house doing executive recruiting and another 15 in retained executive search, and now I coach executives through career transitions. I’ve sat in every chair in this room, and I can tell you exactly why this relationship feels broken.
The problem? You’re expecting your recruiter to work like Serena Williams’s agent and that’s just not how this business works.
The Agent Model vs. Reality
Your sports or entertainment agent gets paid by you—10-15% of everything you earn. So yes, they’re going to take your calls at midnight and pitch you for every opportunity. You’re literally their meal ticket.
Recruiters? We get paid by companies, not by you. When I was in retained search, companies paid us $150K-$300K retainers to find their next CEO. We got paid whether we placed the first candidate or the fifteenth. Our job was finding the best person for that specific role, not advocating for any particular executive’s career.
So let’s say I am working on a SaaS Product Leader search, I might talk to 100 qualified executives but only present 4-5 to the client. The other 95? They’re not my revenue stream – the technology company is. This doesn’t mean I don’t care to cultivate the relationship with the remaining 95. I will and I do, but they will likely live in my database until an appropriate role comes in that is aligned with their skillset. I may call them, from time to time, to get referrals and use that opportunity to reconnect with them, but it will always be for a specific opportunity for a specific client.
Why This Makes You Feel Unseen and Unwanted
When you call a recruiter about “staying connected” and they don’t call back immediately, it feels personal. But here’s what’s actually happening: they’re juggling 6-8 active searches with tight deadlines. If you don’t fit their current searches, you’re not getting prioritized.
When I was recruiting, I’d get 10-15 inbound calls a week from executives wanting to “build relationships.” That’s 15 hours of unpaid time. Meanwhile, I had paying clients breathing down my neck for candidate slates. It’s not that I didn’t think these executives were great. I just didn’t have a business reason to spend two hours on the phone with each of them.
What Recruiters Actually Offer
Now that I coach executives, here’s what I tell them recruiters really are:
- Matchmakers with specific requirements for particular clients at particular moments
- Market intelligence sources who see compensation and industry patterns
- Door openers when timing aligns with genuine mutual fit
They can provide the following:
- Access to Opportunities: they often work on roles that aren’t publicly posted and can provide early access to emerging opportunities.
- Objective Assessment: Because they are not paid by executives, they can provide honest feedback about your marketability and your fit for specific roles.
- Negotiation Support: While they don’t negotiate on your behalf like an agent would, they can provide market context and help facilitate discussions between you and hiring companies.
How to Actually Work With Them
Be specific about what would make you move. Don’t say “I’m open to opportunities.” Tell them exactly what industries, company sizes, challenges, and compensation would make you consider leaving.
Understand their timing isn’t about you. I might not talk to someone for six months, then suddenly need them urgently for a perfect role. That’s just how the business works.
Make their job easier. Send a crisp one-page summary. Be clear about your current comp. Don’t make them guess if you’re qualified or interested.
The Bottom Line
Most executive frustration comes from expecting an agent-style service from people in a completely different business model. Recruiters are paid to solve specific problems for specific companies at specific moments—not to manage your career.
Once you stop expecting them to be your agents and start working with them as the specialized matchmakers they actually are, these relationships become way more productive.
It’s not personal. It’s just business economics.
This is part one of a series. Are all recruiters created equal? Retained vs. Contingency vs. In-house: what does it all mean for you?
